How about the Single Naija Ladies In The US? Who will Marry them?

In the last year, I've had at least half a dozen friends who have returned to Nigeria to bring brides. Am not talking about those who left fiancés and girlfriends at home and returned to fulfill their pledges. I am rather referring to those who went to conduct a fresh search for that elusive bride they claimed they couldn't find in the US. While there is nothing wrong with this phenomenon in general, I take issue with the notion held by some single Nigerian men [in the US] that most of the single Nigerian ladies [also in the US] are either corrupt in the moral sense, too materialistic or have simply lost their cultural values as they pertain to marriage. Nothing, indeed, could be farthest from the truth and sadly enough, some of these men who have taken that trip to their villages and home states to fetch their brides are paying the price at the hands of these supposed homely women whom they thought would worship them immediately upon arrival on the shores of the US.




We should reckon that times are changing rapidly and our single men must reassess their marital plans with respect to these changing times. In some cases, the women brought from home have proven beyond reasonable doubt to be even more materialistic, more morally bankrupt, more sordid and less submissive than the single Nigerian women in the US. The latter having lived, schooled and worked in the US often have far more realistic expectations of their men than those from home who are taken in by the splendor of their new environs.

The Nigerian society of our fathers and mothers is but an illusion and the single men must be aware of this fact before they pack their bags and head home in search of 'Virgin Mary'. Some of these women once they arrive in the US proceed immediately to torment their husbands [or as they say in Nigeria - show him pepper] seeing that he no longer has a choice in the matter. Some remain patient until that all-important document is in hand and then proceed to leave their husbands for another gentleman, in most cases, younger and richer.

One of the fellows in my community who brought his wife from home has since confessed to me [and whoever would listen] that he made a grave mistake. He now agrees that he should have married his beautiful Nigerian girlfriend in the US who he exchanged for his wife at the behest of his family. With every phone call, they impressed upon him that the single Nigerian women in the US, and particularly, the one he was dating seriously at the time, were not good enough for him. They opposed the relationship primarily because she was from another state.

His mother advised him that he must marry a girl from his area who they can vouch for in terms of her family history, background, education and sexual history. But how can they verify her sexual history? Will they go chasing her ex-boyfriends in search of information about her sexual escapades? Will they go to the university and asked each guy if he has bedded her or knows of anyone who has? How? In any case, at the end of the day, his mother prevailed [they always do] and this gentleman returned home to marry this highly recommended lady of supposed impeccable moral standing.

But he and the rest of the community soon came to find out that there was nothing impeccable about her moral standing as she has been the biggest flirt in town since she made it down from Nigeria. You see, this lady, only in her mid twenties, is blessed with an impressive 'Dolly Patton' type chest and that has been both a source of imaginable pleasure to her husband as well as the source of ample disappointment and anguish to the poor guy, given that other men, quite regrettably, are also vested in that "source". Seemingly, with her beauty that makes the likes of Tara Banks look like an unkempt school girl, some single Nigerian men [I bet some married ones too] in and around this community suddenly developed a keen interest in the work schedule of her husband in order to take advantage of his absence. As it is now, the couple has since separated only after three years of matrimony.

This is very sad, but there are many such examples which abound in this land and these call for a critical assessment of the situation on the ground in Nigeria by these single men before they take the marital plunge. With our society laced with the penchant for self-aggrandizement and immediate gratification, our single men can no longer take the recommendations of their friends and family at face value. They ought to probe further and take the time to truly souse themselves in the relevant details of the lady they intend to marry and bring to the US. If the truth be told, in some cases, some of these men would be better off if they settled for a single Nigerian lady already in the US. This is a no 'brainer' as they say. After all, it's cheaper, involves little or no immigration hassle as they are already in the country and provides the opportunity for the couple to at least know each other before taking that nuptial step.

Most importantly, this eliminates the "US" factor as the man is assured that the lady's interest in him is not as a result of her want of a better life in the US. But regrettably, some of our men are now learning the hard way that the Ngozie who was fetched from the village at the recommendation of their parents and relatives only used them to gain entrance into the US. How would a man who spends 99.9 percent of his time in faraway America ascertain that Ngozie is for real? How would a man know that Ronke isn't using him to come to America and better her own life and finally hook up with that ex-boyfriend in Indiana she never really got over emotionally? How would a man know that Charity is truly in love with him and that she would say yes even if he is taking her to poverty stricken and disease ridden Haiti, not America, where he lived in a four by six mud-house?

Some of our young and single ladies in Nigeria are very desperate to get out of that country. I hear it all the time when I go home for a visit. They come on to any young Nigerian gentleman who visits home regardless of his marital status; at least, this has been my experience in Port-Harcourt. Some of them camp at the airport in hopes of attracting a young fellow who might just be arriving from the US, etc. Even some Nigerian men who are married to Americans and other non-Nigerians who go home for a visit are sometimes told to drop their foreign wives for a "real home gal". They call these men, at least, in Port-Harcourt; "Hamburger Nigerians" because of the mistaken belief that all the white women cook for them is hamburger and not "amala" or "egusi" soup. But this couldn't be true, because I know of a Nigerian lawyer in Baltimore who married a white woman who cooks Nigerian cuisines better than some home gals. I couldn't believe it myself until I ate her "egusi" soup. I asked immediately, in jest of course, if she had a single and available sister.

Some of these gals would say "yes" to any man who comes from the US to seek their hand in marriage regardless of his caliber, level of education, looks, character and what have you. The question most of them ask is not "What kind of man is he", but rather, "Will he take me to America?" Their motivation, as we have seen in the example above, has nothing to do with love, it is rather self-serving in all it facets. That leads me to the question - how about the single naija ladies in the US? Who will marry them? Who will marry them if most of the bachelors are returning home to their villages to bring their brides? Who will marry Bola in Los Angeles? Who will marry Fumi in Chicago? Who will marry Chichi in New York City? Who will marry Lolia in Atlanta? How about Grace in Baltimore? It's about time some of these 'home-going' men took a good look at the available Nigerian ladies in the US, they might be surprised at what they find.

This is not to aver that there are no disingenuous, creepy, conniving and mischievous ones amongst this group in the US. There are, but most I have met are responsible professionals who contrary to popular belief haven't exchanged their fine cultural upbringing for the flimsy and casual ways of the West. They are everywhere in the US, in every shade, shape and size. The choice is infinite. But some, admittedly, are snubs, with an inflated sense of their being and worth. One can usually recognize these types. When they walk into a party, they behave like they own the place; their shoulders are higher than the ceiling. Even before taking a good look at the men at the party, they would conclude that they aren't good enough for them. When you ask them politely for a dance, they would behave like you just asked for their hand in marriage. They would give you the famous 'Nigerian woman's' look and would hiss louder than a governor's siren, measuring you up and down with their eyes even before you blink.

I could remember a few years ago when I was in graduate school, I attended a wedding in Boston. It was the wedding of a good friend from Nigeria who was marrying his girlfriend of more than three years. I was one of the groom's men and I was there in all my tuxedo glory complimented by a fresh fading and well-edged haircut, the kind that was and still is in vogue - the kind that exposed a good seventy-five percent of the skin on the sides my head. During the reception, the DJ [God bless him] played my favorite song, "Celebrate" by Madonna [I have since had many other favorite songs]. As the song gained momentum, I couldn't resist the innate feeling and leaped to my feet, adjusted my tux to make sure it was still hanging on me well, walked across the reception hall to a beautiful young wine-sipping naija lady, a student at the time at Boston College, who was sitting with two of her friends at a table and asked her for a dance.

I confess to you, that prior to my asking her to dance, I did some surveillance work by scoping her from the corner of my eyes while I was still at my seat, several tables across the dance floor. I thought such was necessary to avoid outright rejection. I was pleased when I noticed that she was well into the music as well, tapping her feet, shaking her head and shoulders incessantly and occasionally waving her hands high in the air in accordance with the dictates of the fine music. Encouraged by these gestures, I thought she would oblige without much ado to my polite request for a dance. After all, it seemed that we both loved the music. As I took my well measured military steps to her table, oozing with confidence with each step, I also noticed that she and her friends had since 'sized' me up completely, from head to toe, even before it was clear that I was approaching their table.

When I got there, I politely asked and I can still remember the words, "May I have this dance with you, please?" Rather than responding yes or no, she looked at her friend to seek their opinion on the 'life and death' question at hand. Why do women always consult? With their facial expression, they responded to her and she in turn responded to me with a big, fat "NO" said in a condescending manner. She proceeded to add something to the effect of, "Don't you know I have a boyfriend." Did I ask her if she had a boyfriend or I simply asked her to dance with me to a fast [not slow] song? As it were that evening, I ended up dancing with one of her friends at that same table who had advised her moments earlier not to oblige my request. I was never able to figure this one out. Indeed, some of our women are like the peace of God which 'passeth all understanding'.

On account of the seeming lack of interest by some single Nigerian men in the US, some of our women have given up and have forayed into the path of men from other races, white men, Indian men, Latin men and some are even tangling with Chinese men, as they call them in these parts, the 'Lo mien' naijas. One of my [naija] lady friends has since pitched her tent with white men. She said she once dated Nigerian men and found them to be chauvinistic and inconsiderate - a broad brush. She claims that she cannot find a Nigerian man who can tolerate her strong and forward personality.

Most Nigerian men, according to her, want "yes" women - women who will cloth and bath them, cook and clean for them and still be available to offer a plethora of sexual pleasure whenever. She stated that she gave Nigerian men a chance, but they "blew it" [her words] because they were either too possessive, demanding or simply oblivious on the fine art of how to treat a woman with respect, care and love. Even little things like sending flowers on birthdays and other memorable occasions and being romantic are lost on some Nigerian men, she contends. But all of this could not be true of all Nigerian men, is it?

Evidently, there are so many young and single Nigerian women [in the US] who are waiting for that special Nigerian man to knock on their door. Some of them believe that the man for them is yet to be born - Goodluck! Some might not wait too long before they try their luck with men of other races. For those Nigerian men who think that all the good Nigerian women are still in Nigeria and ignore the ones here, they must think again. The young women at home are no fools. They are savvy, informed, independent and in some cases even more knowledgeable than the ones in the US.

Some of them are far more wiser than the three wise men and it would be foolish for any man to think that in them he would find submission and acceptable morals simply because they were brought from home. Sometimes, the best things are next to us and we just don't realize. This is in no way to aver that the women brought from home all have ill-intentions - not at all. There are many who are in very successful marriages. What I am asserting, however, is the simple fact that those men who state categorically that most of the single naija women in the US have lost their cultural sprite because of the corruption of the American society should have a rethink.

A while ago, I was chatting with a good friend who just returned from Port-Harcourt in February. When he called, he announced emphatically that he was engaged. The first question that came out of my mouth was, "to whom?" as I wasn't aware of any prospects at home. He proceeded to tell me the full story of a beautiful lady he met on his previous trip home about two years ago. He stated that on the most recent trip in December, 2003, despite the fact that they had never had one single date, he saw her and couldn't resist but seek her hand in marriage even though that wasn't on his agenda when he left the US. When I asked him why he wouldn't settle with one of the many home gals in the US who seek his affection, he responded and said something to the effect of 'the Nigerian women in the US are all messed up'. But he may have spoken too soon as the lady who he is engaged to in Nigeria, according to him, is already showing signs of disingenuity.

As they say, "not all that glitters is gold."


CULLED FROM A MAGAZINE.